lame

you misspelled "awesome" there, champ 

I got his spiderman pic 

MisterX said:

If you need it explained its already too late.

And if i may be so bold as to sink to your level for a moment
Shut your face, twat.

Which brings me to my next story. After a long conversation with Tree, he agreed that he'd help me write these stories as he's not as articulate with thought, mostly due to the lifetime of drinking, morphine, and sex with big girls. But by his request, he suggests that I introduce another character.

We would always complain about the excess of hours to employees ratio, and always begged Joe for another employee. Now OUR criteria for the ideal candidate was mainly who did what Tree and I told 'em and could work graveyards. Joe's criteria was someone who didn't bitch as much as Tree and I, straight, and good looking. (Straight was necessary because from experience, according to Joe, homosexuals couldn't be trusted with a porn shop.)

What we got, was Duncan. Duncan was an older white man who looked like he spent all of his time in the sun, so he got that beaded lizard red skin tone on him, and he'd always wear a Dr. Grant/Jurassic Park safari hat. Short blond hair and a rumored past that he was addicted to Crystal Meth.

Since I was the more responsible (not counting the other employee of whom I will vaguely mention), I was given the task to train him. He was eager, I'll give him that. He began to tell me that he was a customer here and a regular of Joe's. He would bring in other methheads friends and they'd spend their whole paychecks on merchandise.
(Must be noted here that Whip-its and Head Cleaners were upon the inventory. Head Cleaners selling more than condoms.)
If I told Duncan to go into the theater and scrub brush the ceiling, he would. Instead I told him bleach the booths and organize the dildos from brand, price and size (not an easy task, as I'm sure most porn stores you've been to have some sort of organization. We don't.)

Lucky us, it was a busy night and he got to meet most of our regulars. He was courteous, with that underlining of Dudley Do Right, up until...

I leave him to tend to the store while I go outside to the front with this guy I used to call Couples. Now it's Joe Railroad cause he works for the railroad and when he's off, he stops by to look for couples of bullshit with me or Tree.
I hear from inside, "You fucking piece of shit! I'll kill you!" I hear magazine racks fall and that unmistakable sound of rumbling. I run inside and Duncan is on the floor, face down and my undercover cop has him down with his knee.

"******, what happened?"
He tells me that he caught this guy, in the back booths, taking a snooter. (Snooter being that bump of coke you take off the webbing between your thumb and index.)

Now the undercover is VERY close with the owner. They're best friends, and he knows that if he busts this guy, the cops will rain down on this place and Joe will lose business. So he calls Joe, Joe tells him to let him finish the shift and he'll deal with Duncan. So he does. Awkward for me. 

But that's not the end of Duncan. Joe never fires him. He actually begins to work and take a few of my graveyard shifts. The ends...just kinda justified the means.

That is, until Tree gets to meet him and work with him. His coke-fueled cleaning frenzies made Rick look bad and Joe began cutting Tree's hours. Tree doesn't like this. The guy has child support cut from his checks so his checks were becoming substantially lower.

From my point of view, I recall being asleep because I had to work at 8 while Tree was pulling graveyard. I get a phone call around 6 in the morning...

"This fucking piece of shit. He just left!"
"....mmmm?" I say, quite inattentively.
"He came in, wanted to help me work, so I let him. He pulled down all the magazines and costumes, and he went outside for a cigarette as I was making the deposit, and he just left."
"...wow. That sucks. Better get started putting them back, call Joe and we'll get him fired." I might of said that whole sentence in a single syllable.
I don't recall what was said next but if I know Tree, it was to the extent of, "Fuck you. I'm not picking this up. And if Joe gets mad, he can pick it up himself cause he's the one who kept him hired after the coke incident." ...something like that.

I wake up, quite agitated and make the quick drive to the shop where Joe, Arbol and another regular are standing outside. I pull up and all Joe says, "You're getting paid double today. Pick up after the mess, and do inventory."

I complain and he leaves. Rick shrugs, tells me that he didn't finish the deposit and that it's "there" and drives off.

3 hours in, and I'm still putting magazines up (no easy task), when lo and behold Duncan walks in with his safari hat and Roy Orbison sunglasses.

"What happened?" He asks.
"You made this mess, dude. Rick told me about it."
"Oh. Well, I never liked Rick anyways."
"That's it? That's all you're going to say? Clean this shit up! I still got inventory to pull!"

He stands there, contemplating his next move...when he reaches out for a clipboard that we use to record stats and sales and he darts out.

And I'm confused. Very confused. Then it hits me. Rick's deposit. I never finished it and since it was dead, I slipped it behind all that paperwork on that clipboard.

I just got robbed by someone who works here. 

dude, this is all gold.

gold. 

this is brilliant. 

Only hole in the story so far: The patronage of the Police chief, and the undercover cop affiliation with the jack shack... Otherwise, brilliant. 

Oh the undercover cop HATED the chief. They would recognize each other's cars and decide not to go in or not. See, the twist I was getting at, was the undercover was gay himself.

The chief was a nice guy, considering but since he had a family and kids, the secret was like a slap to the face to, we'll call the undercover Precious.

Precious was a conversationalist who, I thought was trying to get to know me, until his advances became more and more noticeable. He'd do things like grab my hand and compliment my skin, or address me as Honey, and invite me over to his place. But, my boss, Precious and the more approachable, we'll call him Delicious (it was nicknames they had for each other), they knew everything. So when the chief would catch Precious there, he'd make a casual, "I'd like to buy some condoms" and leave. Vice versa? Well Precious wouldn't say anything to him because I'm guessing Wiles knew he was gay too. He was, how do you say in English?, chismosa. All talk. 

Shibbyadam said:

And now I'm inspired to create a blogspot. I'll just release stories on there one at a time.

Please do. This deserves better than forum posts. These stories should be archived and passed around. 

like your mom 

http://www.shibbyadam.blogspot.com

I started it then. I'm not going to blow my load on posting everything at once, so daily. With Porn Shop Chronicles as an installment. I think it dawned on me when I was MySpace blogging everything and receiving compliments. It's just, I prefer the blog over the writing, and I'm serious about filming this. It's just, I haven't found those with that kinda interest or ambition here in the EP. 

nice 

So consider that you all have exclusive reading rights. 

shibby

we got a group that games every night in teamspeak

playing COD4, COH, warhammer...some L4D thrown in too 

Precious and delicious. You have a gift. 

I really can't tell you how enjoyable these stories are. 

I refuse to call a grown man "delicious". 

why 

I take it you haven't seen The Original Kings of Comedy. But now that I think about it, it does sound pretty awkward to yell down the street, "Wzup Delicious? We going to the club later?" Sounds like I'm asking that gentlemen out to the gay district, I do say. 

more "bitches" for you if your boy delicious likes cock 

If you get that on your license plate, I will pay you $50 a year every year that you have it. 

delicious?
doesn't it cost more than that to get a vanity plate in va? 

Apparently not, everyone in VA has one, all the pretentious folk wanna standout somehow among the millions of sheep that work desk jobs. I live in MD work in DC, MD isn't as bad as VA. 

I refuse to call a grown man "delicious".

But a younger male, no problem.

Gotcha. 

I'm serious about filming this. It's just, I haven't found those with that kinda interest or ambition here in the EP.

Try a few hours north, shibby -- we got film people up here twiddling their thumbs 

fenris said:

Try a few hours north, shibby -- we got film people up here twiddling their thumbs

Noted. Oh and by the way, I listened to that podcast of how to sell your screenplay. That guy is a tool, but he made some points. Essentially, I think I'd be better off shooting it, editing it and directing it myself (pull a Robert Rodriguez) and entering film festivals. Just not the local ones. If anything gets me about EP and the Juarez locale, they capitalize on the whole "being Mexican" things. (i.e. see At The Drive In's Invalid Letter Dept.)

I've got a few friends who film around here, but their ideas have all been done to cheesy and predictable. How far north? 

Albuquerque 

Everything is filming in the Quirky! I'd be down. I've got friends there too. Hell, I'd even consider a porn shop job there, which is saying a lot. Beers on me when I go. 

i want to star as one of the gayer characters 

Now we're talkin'! 

^Another one of those F5's 

Can I play the part of the projector? 

Shibbyadam said:

Noted. Oh and by the way, I listened to that podcast of how to sell your screenplay. That guy is a tool, but he made some points. Essentially, I think I'd be better off shooting it, editing it and directing it myself (pull a Robert Rodriguez) and entering film festivals. Just not the local ones. If anything gets me about EP and the Juarez locale, they capitalize on the whole "being Mexican" things. (i.e. see At The Drive In's Invalid Letter Dept.)

I've got a few friends who film around here, but their ideas have all been done to cheesy and predictable. How far north?

my roommate feels the same way. He is biding time/building money to do this exact thing. Ever see Robert Rodriguezs 10 minute film school? they are pretty entertaining. They come on most of his special edition dvds 

Nah, I think it works out that way.

Screwbacca, you could be Fernando. This guy was a gamer gay. He has a very hard Spanish accent, young, and has a thing for RPGs. He's the one who modded my PSP and when it was dead, he'd bring his PSP too and we'd play Metal Gear Port Ops. But on those nights he'd come in drunk, he hit on me. It either that or my stylist. My stylist gives me hair treatment for free if I let him in the theater for free.

basset, you can be anything you wanna be. 

i need a role in this one too. 

I'm playing the dude with the red-headed wife 

or whatever she is 

Well then I'm playing the red-headed wife 

i'll be the best god damn fernando ever 

screwbacca said:

i'll be the best god damn fernando ever

Come to EP. I'll introduce you to him. Let's hope he's not drunk when you meet him. He is...handsy. 

hey fenris. post your best money shot face for the position. 

Like, the face I'd be making, or the face I'd be aiming at? 

making. if your the redhead- you will get sprayed like a half dozen times if im correct. 

IT'S THE SKEET SKEET 

let's shoot more towards a dozen. 

The trick will be making it PG-13 

thebritons said:

making. if your the redhead- you will get sprayed like a half dozen times if im correct.

No, I'm playing the redhead. and here's my O face:
http://arrachetachemise.qc.ca/archive/reaction-face.png 

OR! I could exploit the whole Mexican thing, film it as "Art" and when it gets released in the States, they'll see the cut up version and have movie elitists say, "The original one is better." 

do i need the porn stache to pull it off?
http://robstercraws.org/mustache.jpg 

Wow! I'm already hard again