Granted. You are sickened instead to the point of vomiting.

I wish I wasn't working on my day off. 

Granted, you are not horrified of your new interspecies relationship

I wish I didn't have to start at 6:00am tomorrow 

Granted. But you f5 yourself so badly that you don't sleep ever again.

I wish that I could grow bananas. From my peace lily and have bananas all the time 

Granted, but they are white and taste like shit. In fact, the only use they now have is for you to ream yourself in the ass daily with them.

I wish you wouldn't video that so no one will see it. 

Granted, you do and keep them all for yourself.

I wish these new video games would have cheats built in like they used to instead of forcing us lazy folks to rely on Trainers. 

Granted, but you still suck at them.

I wish Borderlands was 8 player instead of 4. 

Granted, you still don't have any friends.

I wish I knew the lyrics to "The Greatest Man That Ever Lived (Variations on a Shaker Hymn" by Weezer memorized. 

Granted! But in order to make room in your head, you forgot how to wipe your ass.

I wish my roommate would find a job already. 

Granted, he's your official fluffer.

I wish I could spit fireballs at will. 

Granted, however you also spit fire balls unwillingly whenever you go down on someone.

I wish I my motorcycle had a force field to help keep me safe. 

Granted, but it's a hot pink force field.

I wish I didn't need to sleep. 

Granted but you still need to lie down in the dark for 8 hours per night by yourself

I wish i could declare people as zombies 

Granted, but you accidentally declare the Kenyan Long Distance Running Team Zombies and they run your arse into the ground and eat your brains

I wish, I puncture site form Blood donation didn't bruise so badly. 

Granted. Your arm doesn't bruise, but the rest of your body does, leading people to think you are a zombie.
You are killed by Bruce Campbell, who then goes on a rampage and kills everyone else in town. Following which he then takes to the sky in a chopper(dramatic irony) and kills the entire population of Canada. Just because he had heard there were zombies there. Then he does the thriller dance.

I wish that this thread didn't always make me hum Skee-Lo. 

Granted you sing this instead

i wish that i had some vodka to make work go more quickly 

Granted, your boss catches you and sends you to rehab.

I wish I had some love potion number 9. 

Granted, but all it gets you is into some other guy's number 2.

I wish i was immune to all diseases. 

Granted but when you kissed a cop down on Thirty-Fourth and Vine
He broke your little bottle of Love Potion Number Nine

I wish Iulus knew some songs written since 1950 

Meh,

mine was better

Granted but you get hit by a meteor

I wish i had a cheeseburger with bacon 

Granted, but how will you eat it with no digestive tract?

I wish Kasey acknowledged The Ink Spots as the pinnacle of musical achievement. 

Granted, but he's an idiot so nobody cares

I wish i wasn't an idiot 

Granted. You're now a clumsy idiot.

I wish I had beer. 

Granted, you've got tons of beer. too bad it's Zima.

I wish I could push a button and a fully functional duplicate of my gaming PC would appear. 

Granted, but the button is really inconvenient to reach, it's next to persons in front of you prostrate.

I wish I wasn't a Zombie 

Granted, you're a queermo sparkley vampire w/no penis.

I wish I was indestructable 

Granted, but global warming has caused the seas to swallow all dry land and you spend the next 1000 years talking to starfish on the ocean floor.

I wish free love really worked. 

Granted, but you're still unemployed.

I wish I could mute people. 

granted, but you've become a deaf, blind, mute yourself.

I wish the military was run more like a company and less like a fraternity. 

granted, but it's run like an american sub-prime mortgage broker.

I wish that I didn't have to move boxes all day for the next week or so. Or ever again. 

Granted, but you loose your job as a funeral director as family really frowned on you really open casket policy.

I wish for more peanuts hat don't come out of an orifice, hole, cloaca or KNW 

That not hat fuck 

Granted, but your mouth still spews word salad.

I wish I could invest in people. 

Granted....You "invest" your wimpy 3 incher into Dropbear.

I wish chewing gum was less exp[ensive 

Granted, but you still can't afford it. Sucker!!

I wish I didn't have the flu. 

Granted, you have the HIV

I wish I knew where everything I ever lost was. 

Granted, but it's still in the landfill.

I wish remote backs wouldn't disappear.