Granted, you get a job as a rent boy but you're so shit at it you have to do it for free.

I wish I had £10,000 & 6 weeks to do with as I pleased. 

Granted, you have the most wonderful erotic experience of your life. With 5 weeks 6 days remaining in your debaucherous Thai getaway, £0 in your pocket, and a sudden love of cocaine you try your hand at freelance prostitution. Your first customer is a local drug king who is so impressed by your skills that he makes you his slave. All of your Hollywood nightmares come true.

I wish my parents weren't coming to visit. 

Granted, they suddenly change plans, and you believe you are off scott free. Only trouble is you go outside to take a breather and thank God only to discover that they are really outside in your driveway steaming up the windows. They are in fact "coming" and you are the visitor.

I wish that I could find a decent graphics card for this dinosaur. 

Granted but teh T-Rex doesn't take kindly to you inserting said card & tears you limb from limb then shits on the remains.

I wish I wasn't at work. 

Granted, you're at home because you got fired.

I wish my new neighbors moved far far away. 

Granted, they move far far away because your home has become a hazardous biological disaster zone coined for starting the world changing zombie epedimic.

I wish I could survive the zombie/alien/robot/vampire/nuclear holocaust epedimic. 

Granted, you survive. No one else does. Neither does any uncorrupted food/water source. You slowly starve to death.

I wish the new video media standard would get here already. 

Granted. It's punch cards.

I wish the mail was running today. 

Granted. They deliver your credit card bills, IRS auditing notice, notification of dead relative, and a box of the broken porcelain cats your mother tried to send you to have you protect.

I wish I had another hour's worth of sleep. 

Granted, but you have to wait till about 67 minutes before you die before you can collect on it.

I wish there really was a separation of church and state. 

Granted, George Carlin leads you on an educational journey through time and space to see various 'bogus' historical theocracies. Your last stop is 15th Century Spain, where the Grand Inquisitor personally slowly tortures you over a period of forty years, but at least you're not an idiot anymore.

I wish I had more research papers to write and less meaningless essays. 

Granted, You have 7 papers due tomorrow. each has to be at least 100,000 words and are on different subjects unrelated to your field of study. if you don't have them done in time you get kicked out of school forever.

I wish Jeb Bush is never holds office again. 

Granted. Laura runs for his post and wins. George gets to hang around the office bumping into things all day.

I wish my renter's loser friends never came here again. 

Granted, they become your friends

I wish I wasn't watching day time TV 

Granted, your eyes get poked out.

I wish I had some coffee. 

Granted, i warmed it up for you using my own urine. Bottoms up.

I wish i could find an awesome shoot-em-up-explodie racing game for the 360. 

Granted & to match the awesomeness of the game your flail at it is just as awesome.

I wish my coffee wasn't so salty :-/ 

Granted, but that means I have to spooge on your sandwich instead of in your cup.

I wish the dry winter weather didn't mess with my skin 

Granted, it just cause you to have constant nosebleeds instead.

I wish I weren't in South Carolina 

Granted, you're in Georgia and Spanky is lonely again.

I wish I had infinite blood 

Granted, the government finds out and puts you in an iron maiden to supply the canuckan blood banks.

I wish we weren't on Very Thin Ice 

Granted, you're on The US Navy's Most Brutal Ambush Rapes.

I wish there was an AMV Hell 5 

Granted, but it's lame and there's no porn.

I wish Maple Colors had more episodes. 

Granted, there are hundreds of more episodes. Your hands fall of from masturbating too much.

I wish Farscape was brought back. 

Granted, it's renewed for another season and cancelled again by the third episode.

I wish I had received the instructions for this assignment. 

granted, the instructions are to squat on a splinter

i wish i had more monies 

Granted...you has monies, but you don't know what to do wif it.

I wish it was time to leave. 

Granted, it's time to leave... just not for you.

I wish there was video of birdy's epic cycling/signpost crash. 

Thee is, but all the best bits are censored.

I wish I hadn't watched 5 episodes of America's next top model this week because my ex had the remote. 

Granted, time rewinds. You snatch the remote from her hands and change the channel. In response she snatches your eyes out of your head, takes the remote back and puts America's Next Top Model back on. You lie on the floor bleeding from your eye sockets listen to the show, but at least you're not watching it.

I wish threadless.com let me have all their shirts for free. 

Granted! But only if you pay $1million for the postage.

I wish that I hadn't bought my new bloody laptop. 

Granted, you got it for free. The cops come and test the blood. You're tried and convicted of the rape and murder or 27 children. You go to prison. All the other cons know what you're in for. You get raped in every hole you've got (and a few new ones they add for you) for 12 straight days. Then they put a shiv in your brain.

I wish we weren't switching to HP PCs at work. 

Granted. You no longer work there.

I wish I was immune to Swine Flu 

Granted, but you get the regular flu and die.

I wish I could karate chop through titanium. 

Granted. It still hurts to do it though, and every time you do it breaks every bone in your hand.

I wish my farts only stunk when I wanted them to. 

Granted. However, when you think they should stink, you release a deadly nerve toxin, much like Sarin. Whenever you fart, people's skin starts to bubble and blister, and they die choking on their own vomit.
\Wait that already happens...
Ok, this wish is powered by your subconscious and it wants you to fart all the time.

I wish I get some this weekend. 

Granted, you get some... AIDS. From a Thai tranny (surprise!). You also catch a whole plethora of other diseases. Have fun at the Dr.s office.

I wish I was immune to all diseases that have ever and will ever exist. 

Granted, you develop every syndrome known to exist.

I wish my toe was already healed. 

Granted, your toe is healed by a 12 year old with a red a white backpack with a cross on it. After holding the backpack against it for about 10 seconds he assured you it's healed. three days later it turns black and falls off.

I wish there were more good player made maps for L4D, and L4D2 when it comes out. 

Granted, but the game's soundtrack is written by D4L.

I wish I could cook bacon instantaneously. 

Granted but you can only instantly overcook it, enjoy the charcoal.

I wish this cold would go away right now. 

Granted, the entire planet instantly warms up by 140 degrees Fahrenheit. Everything dies.
Thanks a lot.

I wish I had my very own "yes man". 

Granted, meet Andy Richter, the most annoying man on late night television.

I wish I had a drink 

Granted, enjoy a nice warm glass of fresh cat urine.

I wish everyone thought "your mom" jokes were as funny as I do. 

Granted, but they're all about your mom.

I wish I could type 150 words per minute. 

Granted, you type 150 wpm, however you can't spell for shit. Even Clippy can't understand what you're trying to say.

I wish Apple quit the computer business. 

Granted, they diversify into iHomes and iFurnishings. The entire nation is bankrupted in three months.

I wish Apple was unpopular again. 

Granted, apple goes out of business and everyone that worked there becomes a stay-at-home mom/dad or jumps off a cliff.

I wish I had a real, fully functional, Heward's Handy Haversack. 

Granted, with contents:
http://media.skateboard.com.au/forum/images/derp1.jpg

I wish The Office was an HBO show that was rated MA and had lots of sexage. 

Granted, all the sex is of Kevin and Meredith.

I wish I wasn't horrified of interpersonal relationships.